Please let me take a moment out of this post to quickly say, I love media days. Every single year, this preposterous and borderline thirst-fest delivers the very best #HotTakes from college coaches that spend a quarter of their year in game tape, another quarter babysitting and the remainder of it pitching "promises" to high school kids in hopes of saving their jobs for another couple of years.
So when Missouri head coach Gary Pinkel said that there shouldn't be any independents (read: Notre Dame) in the College Football Playoff, Gus Malzahn gave Nick Saban the ultimate excuse for his inability to win the big game RIGHT AFTER Saban himself tried using a lamer cop-out, I couldn't help but smile.
What a world we live in.
So naturally, as a full on supporter of the "Coaches with Opinions Coalition", I began to wonder, provided the scope and the ability to rock their favorite pair of Air Force's, what would our esteemed cohort of Big Ten basketball coaches #HotTakes be?
Here are your fake answers from some of the most outspoken Big Ten coaches:
"Listen, there is a history here. I'm not the first and I wont be the last. It started with my idol, Bobby Knight. I don't think this is a big deal on my end. My question for the NCAA is, why even give us the temptation? Do we really need portable stools during timeouts? And why aren't those bench chairs bolted down? In my eyes, if me Tombstone Pile driving a chair into the ground in a fit of rage is a safety issue, it's ability to be maneuvered in such a manner was a safety issue well before ADAM WOODBURY MISSED ANOTHER HELP SIDE ASSIGNMENT!"
"It all comes down to Chicago. We all know how important the city is for Illinois basketball. If you can't recruit in Chicago and create a relationship with those coaches both in the AAU programs and at the high school level, you won't be successful here. And you know what, after talking with so many of those players and their stream of mentors, it's my belief that with a head start to pitch my program ahead of the Cal's of the world, Illinois would be on their maps. Why there isn't something like, I don't know, a two week head start for coaches to begin the process with in-state recruits, I can't answer that for you. All I know is, my staff and I would welcome that change into the NCAA rule book wholeheartedly."
"We are turning things around here. We have an exciting recruiting class coming in. We are talking to the right people. We're playing good, hard nosed basketball. I've been around a culture like this. It's in my blood. And I'm still so excited to be the head coach of Chicago's Big Ten team forever and always!"
"I've had some good talks with the other conference coaches during the off season and one thing that keeps being thrown out there is the idea of forced substitutions. So say, after every five minutes a new lineup checks into the ball game. If you think about it and look at it closely, it takes that aspect of the game out of the hands of the coaches, so we can just focus on, well, properly coaching up our players. Sure we still pick and choose how the lineups would be set up before the game, but its a pretty interesting idea if you ask me. In game substitutions are a tricky and fickle beast sometimes, and this could eliminate that type of outlier in our game."
"Have I spoken to LeBron? Of course I have. We have a great relationship. I remember after Game 5, I received a text from him asking if I could set up a meeting with him and Dan (Gilbert) about future business ventures. I just assumed it was about BEATS headphones or something about making my face a FatHead. I didn't realize they were already looking for a replacement for Bla... I mean, no. They were just gauging my interest in becoming...ha... it's funny because LeBron, well...you all saw my extension... Michigan State is my home...Yes, LeBron is the best player on the planet and it would be a dream to coach him in the NBA...ha...yeah...Sooooooo...speaking of LeBron, it's a damned outrage that you can't touch anybody in college basketball anymore. Am I right? How many times did we put Justise (Winslow) to the line against Duke after some ticky-tac foul call? He was just barrel rolling into our guys... When are we just going to have Robots make the call like they do in baseball? Yes, robot officials. It's 2015 after all. It's time."
"College Expansion Draft...anybody? Anybody?"
"What will I do with my retirement? Outside of bringing Ed Hightower on a long weekend, deep sea fishing excursion where only one of us will make it back? Well. it's funny you should ask. I plan on running for the NCAA Rules Committee Chief of Staff, where my first order of business is not to shorten the shot clock any further, but to extend it to 40 seconds for obvious statistical and well researched reasons. After all, what's so wrong with having a product that is slow and methodical?