Hi there. I'm Kyle. I'm a Wisconsinite born and raised. I'm an owner of the Green Bay Packers, I go to Wisconsin, and sports in general is cool. Since we all know you'd out me for my hatred eventually, I thought I'd get a jump-start on y'all. Thus begins my opening series here at BTP: "Why I hate your school." Without further ado, the floor is yours, Indiana. Try not to cut down any nets while we're at it.
Note: This is just fun and games, so don't get offended. Every team will eventually come, so don't get too worked up.
Indiana, why do I hate thee? Let me count the ways.
- "Hoosiers." Seriously, worst basketball movie I've ever not watched in my life. And this is coming from a guy that watched the entirety of "BASEketball."* You know the movie, the one where the "South Park" writers actually act, and have the absolute coolest use of convoluted tournament structures ever. The one where it's set in Milwaukee, because Wisconsin is the best state ever. I mean, you named your school's nickname after a movie. Who does that?
- Tom Crean. He should have been number one, but I was so fuming with hatred that I forgot about P.E. #1. He won't give people handshakes, he isn't a nice person, and I once heard that he went onto the field of dreams and SPAT on it. If that isn't the definition of a terrible person, I don't know what you want from me. He took Vander Blue (EDIT: Lolz. Crean was gone before this happened. So, you know, whoops.) from us, he's in cahoots with the Harbaughs, you name it. Tom Crean has done it and probably launched a dozen FCC complaints in the process**. He's caused more outrage alone than anything Janet Jackson has ever done.
- Your state motto, "Crossroads of America." So, what you're telling me is that when the most important people of your state got together and asked each other what Indiana was all about, the best they could come up with was this conversation:
- Speaking of three heads, pretty sure Tom Crean would be more bearable with them.***
- You aren't even the coolest school in your state. I mean, there's a school with a BULLDOG AS A LIVE MASCOT. A BULLDOG. SERIOUSLY GUYS, BUTLER HAS AN ACTUAL BULLDOG. CAN I JUST GO TO BUTLER INSTEAD?
- You hired Kelvin Sampson as a head coach. Why.
- You took too long to fire Kelvin Sampson. Wait, actually, no you didn't. You should've kept him longer. Because then maybe you would have been ruined forever and Tommy Crean would have gone somewhere else, maybe to like, I dunno, Valparaiso. I would've been okay with that. Seriously, I loved Sampson. Probably top-3 coach you've ever had.
- Your football team is fun to watch. Wait, I like that. Scratch that.****
- Did I mention I hate Tom Crean?
- Assembly Hall. For starters, if you want to see things while in that building, your best bet is take out an available smartphone, tablet or general internet-accessing device and watch the game from there instead. I've heard stories where there were literal fistfights over who got to watch during a pair of free throws. It's so cramped in there that eating actually requires a straw. You're not even allowed to bring in coats because then the capacity would be reduced by almost 5,000. I once got kicked out for trying to wear a coat, and then promptly laughed at everyone and walked away. That day, I met a beautiful woman***** and my entire life changed. So thank you, Indiana. You did at least one thing right.
So, guys, what do you hate about Indiana? I know I'm not alone here.
*I did actually watch this movie. I didn't actually hate it. It's either on Netflix or Amazon Instant Streaming, but still, go watch it.
****/Wisconsin scored yet again.
*****Sadly, this is not true. What a buzzkill.