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Big Ten Party

The beginning of school means welcome week. Welcome week means college parties. Here is your guide to who is who at each party. It doubles as a Big Ten basketball predictor if you're sober enough to make sense out of it.


Armed with a 12 pack of the "Champagne of Beers," I make my way to the party of the year. It's a party where there is always blood, there is always rough play and too much alcohol is always consumed. Someone is going to throw up and someone is going to be hung over into the NCAA tournament.

I make my way into the Big Ten party to the masculine sounds of bouncing bass, groaning men and "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen. I take in my surroundings and try and gather what's going to happen at the Big Ten rager.

Screaming and shouting comes from down the hallway. I snake my way through the attendees to find the yelling is coming from downstairs. After stumbling my way down the stairs (I only slipped once or twice), I find the noise is just a bunch of Wolverines trying to play beer pong.

Nik Stauskas and Spike Albrecht are running around the basement launching ping pong balls from all sorts of places - from the stairs, from the car park and without looking - they never missed. Dressed in bright polos with popped collars while sipping on their Burnett's mixed drink and challenging anyone who will listen.

Like always, Sparty has a hard time being shown up by their cross-state rivals, so he steps in while swigging his 4-Loko. Sparty and Tom Izzo take everything involving Michigan way too seriously, especially when they're drunk.

Legend goes, way back while they were in elementary school together, Sparty lost his skirt while trying to kick a soccer ball, leaving Michigan in a laughing fit. Sparty never forgets.

Once Michigan stepped within ten feet and Sparty and Tom Izzo tried distracting them with a student section, Michigan couldn't make a shot. Gary Harris made a celebrity appearance on the last shot, injured shoulder and all, to bring it home for Sparty.

Ohio State, not wanting to feel left out, challenged Michigan to see who could do the longest keg stand.

With everyone at the party watching, Mitch McGary made his way to the keg to show their biggest rival that Wolverines are real monster drinkers. McGary started off strong. He swallowed the "beer" tasting water at an incredible velocity. Unfortunately for him, Aaron Craft was there. You could tell Craft was intoxicated because his cheeks were as rosy as a bouquet. Craft swatted and hacked McGary's arms, chest and face until McGary spit beer into Craft's face, which the party dubbed a foul on McGary. And we thought TV Ted Valentine was a tough crowd.

Lenzelle Smith Jr. stood up for the Buckeyes. On one hand, doing the splits, Smith Jr. chugged the beer. Once he beat McGary, he slammed down the hose and flaunted to the rest of the party about how much better he the Buckeyes are.

Once everything got back to normal and the crappy top-40 songs playing in full swing, Indiana and Purdue get into a scuffle on the dance floor. They both had been dancing on the same girl and now they are trying to figure out who gets to take her home.

Since sixth grade, the two schools have hated each other. One day on the playground, the two got in a scuffle over flag football. They have hated each other since.

Indiana is a little too drunk off tequila, but they still believe they talked to the girl first. The Boilermaker wants to girl so he can prove to his friends he belongs in the Big Ten. Finally, Tom Crean, with all of his class and dignity, finally separates the girl and the Boilermaker and leaves the party with the victory over Purdue, yet again.

On the wall watching the whole scuffle is the guy that is just way too high to be at the party. His face says he has no idea what is going on in the world, and frankly he doesn't care. All of his movements are slow except his drinking. Eyes glazed as a Krispy Kreme donut, the Badger takes a long, hard swig of his PBR and stands there for ages, staring into space that only exists to him. One swig later, he crushes his empty can and launches it across the room like a three pointer, but at nothing in particular; like normal.

The temperature heats up as a circle forms around a group of three freshmen who were on the dance team in high school. For two, it looks like they've been in this situation before, this is Iowa and Illinois. The third, Minnesota, is a young person you met at a party while they were visiting their big brother in the NCAA party last year.

Minnesota, the little bugger he is, breaks out the classic dance moves, assuming that college kids think they're funny. After "shopping for groceries," doing the "sprinkler" and boogying down like he was a 70's child, he is booed until he gets out of the circle while the big boys dance.

The Hawkeye has experience from dancing in the amateur tournament last year (made it to the final even) while Illinois just has a storied history and a coach with too much orange in his wardrobe. Gracefully, Roy Devyn Marble showsNnanna Egwu how to Dougie. After numerous attempts, Egwu is left floundering worse than MSU graduate Derrick Nixguarding an inbound pass.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see three others sitting down with their phones in their hands. They don't look very popular or noticeable, maybe because they were kicked out of the party last year. But sure enough, here they are again, Northwestern, Nebraska and Penn State.

With records only admirable to the winless 2008 Detroit Lions, these three just want to fit in and compete in drinking and dancing, but their inexperience screams out like

After watching them for a couple of minutes, I see them all pull out a Ham's to shotgun. These boys are going hard the wrong way.

Halfway through the beer, Nebraska throws up chunks of corn all over the table in front of him; much to the delight of the Nittany Lion and the Wildcat. Pretty soon, Willie the Wildcat slams down his beer before the Lion can finish. At least the Wildcat won something and can walk home studying with pride. Nebraska and Penn State are the only two left without any pride, similar to last year's party.

Hopefully the party attendees drink a lot of water. Because the day after will always be rough. The NCAA tournament doesn't allow in the weak.