Hey there. Remember me? A couple days ago, I let the world know that I hate your school. I hate it so much that I've decided to do a whole series on why I hate your school. I mean, I'm just so full of hate that I HATE how I can't just be a jerk to y'all all the time. I'm pretty sure Indiana fans are none too pleased about me, so I figured I'd share the love again today. Well, Chicago's Big Ten Team*, I'm looking at you.
Northwestern, why do I hate thee? Let me count the ways:
- You made us watch a football game at Wrigley Field. I mean, why. What in the world could have possessed you to make the world watch a football game in a place that hadn't seen real happiness, well, ever? It's like you wanted us all to just suffer and anguish in our comfy recliners and just feel bad for you. Which is fitting, considering you lost to Illinois 48-27**. So really, you wrote your own fate. Of course, it didn't help that it was basically a backyard football game, considering you couldn't even use two goalposts. Like, that's just so dumb.
- I have to listen about your stupid basketball team's inability to make the NCAA tournament EVERY SINGLE YEAR. JUST MAKE IT ALREADY. SERIOUSLY IT ISN'T THAT HARD, WE'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR LIKE 15 YEARS NOW. I mean, I loved Bill Carmody as much as you guys apparently did (you had him for 13 years?!?), but come on. Did you have to fire him because your team sucked? Well, I guess you actually did. Fun fact of the day for all you guys: 0-75***. So do me a favor and tell the world to stop talking about how much you suck. It makes my day less happy. And I want to be happy.
- Your color is purple. I'd go into more detail about this, but I think my friends over at Black Heart, Gold Pants have something to say about it. Although I will give specific attention to this gem:
- Your school is the only private school in the #B1G, which means you're also a tiny school and have no fans because no one loves you and therefore no one goes to your sporting events which means that your games basically look like this:
I mean, sure, this was a Mets game. But let's be real here, it's basically any Northwestern game you've ever been to.
- No one knows what to call you. Are you NU? UN? Northwestern? Just Northwestern****? Are you upset at Nebraska for being cooler than you and having a bigger reason to be NU than you? Do you lay awake at night with an identity crisis of your own? Like, sometimes I lay in bed and I can't fall asleep because I don't know what I want to do with my life, but at least I know my own name. I mean, come on guys.
- This picture:
Okay. It's one thing that you have a giant inferiority complex with Iowa. I don't get it, and frankly no one does and you should stop it. But it's another thing entirely to search for something as blunt as NORTHWESTERN SUCKS and come up with nothing. I mean, a "Call Me Maybe"***** parody from Northwestern State (also purple, and rocks it better) showed up. That's so beautiful. I think this is the perfect metaphor for Northwestern: no one really cares about you. #Sorrynotsorry
*Seriously why is this a thing I mean come on really?
****Seriously, best joke about Northwestern I've come across.
*****I would have watched it, but it wouldn't let me. Still, that "video not available" screen was more entertaining than your basketball team.
Note: This was a work of satire.